I’ve been feeling the same for so long, its difficult to know if its just how I am because of kids, or something else. Depression? Anxiety? I don’t feel energetic. I don’t want to do anything, I make myself do it. Exercise? You’re kidding, right? I keep saying I’m going to walk the dog, then it gets freezing cold, and the last thing I want to do is go for a walk. I try to eat right, especially with the diabetes, but I can cheat with my insulin pump, so I do. Whats this do to me? More things than I care to realize. I gain weight. I feel like hell. I look like hell. My A1C is higher than it should be.
Kevin suggested we join the Y. Its not really in the budget, but I think if I know I’m paying to belong to this place, I’ll actually go. The kids could do swimming during the winter, since Sam keeps asking me to go to the pool. I could get into some class, probably get a personal trainer for a bit to help me out. Its a good idea. Would this be the fire under my butt I’ve been looking for? I don’t want to be fat anymore. If I lose some weight, I can get the tummy tuck I’ve been wanting since Sam’s birth.
I need to do something. This is not the real me. I used to be an energetic person who was always moving. I fake it most of the time, since I feel guilty about not doing stuff with my kids, not having the energy to run around (not that my knees can take it), not wanting to even do it. I don’t like feeling this way. I don’t want to keep telling myself only so many hours until I get to go back to bed.
So I made the call. I’m waiting for a return call to make an appointment with a psychiatrist. I said it, a head doc. I’m a head case. I know there is nothing wrong with admitting you’re depressed. I’m under stress. We’re all under stress. Having 3 kids under the age of 10 at home, type 1 diabetes, a husband who is now back at school working on his MBA and all the volunteering I do. Stop volunteering some people would say. I can’t. That’s probably the one thing which keeps me moving. I have the obligation I signed up to do, I must do it. Most of it is for my kids, scouts, room mom. I want to do the work, even though they may not realize nor appreciate what I’m doing.
Come on doctor’s office, call me back so I can get this appointment on my calendar and look forward to being well again. I don’t want to spend my 40s feeling like utter crap 24/7.
