I haven’t had my nightly Blue Moon with a shot of OJ in nearly a week.  I’ve had a few evening meetings, and I’m not willing to show up with beer on my breath.  Call me paranoid.  Ironically, I’ve developed my first cold in months too.   I feel like hell, and I’m pretty sure I look it.   I realized last night before I passed out at 7 pm I hadn’t had my Blue Moon in days.  I rectified this situation tonight.  Miracle cure?  Who knows, but I’m back to my old routine.   Maybe I should have a 2nd for good measure.

Today is the 13th anniversary of my diagnosis of type 1 diabetes. It seems a lifetime ago. So much has happened since 1996, I’ve had 3 children, I’ve lived with a chronic illness, I’ve learned more about insurance companies and the nonsense they like to pull on people. Things I never dreamed I’d deal with or experience.

I always feel in a funk around this time every year. I was 28 when I was diagnosed, so I had years of life with no diabetes. I remember what it was like not to have to take my blood sugar every time I wanted to eat, or every time I felt strange. I didn’t have to count carbs. I didn’t have to see a doc 4x a year. I didn’t have to worry about my eyes or kidneys. So much goes into this disease and taking care of yourself because of it.

My kids have never known me without diabetes. Its always been present. Sometimes it does stop me from doing what I want to do. Unlike the commercials for meters and such, having them doesn’t make every thing easier. So much to pack to take along with you for even the most simple of trips.

Cure? I laugh. I don’t want to be negative, but its never happening. Not in my lifetime. Maybe I’m a bit of a conspiracy theorist, but treating this disease makes too much money for too many people. Curing it would not be a good thing for pharmaceutical companies, meter manufacturers or pump makers. For me, it would be the best thing since giving birth to my children.

On the plus side, I’ve lived with a chronic illness for 13 years now. I have no complications other than some very slight kidney damage which is well managed by medication. I have 3 gorgeous children from 3 diabetic pregnancies. I have a busy life, many friends, an amazing family. Maybe having diabetes is keeping me from having a more serious or deadly disease. I could live with this disease for another 50+ years. I probably will too.

Now to figure out how to commemorate this date in a way which celebrates what I have, not what I’ve lost. Therein lies the question.

I feel badly for my kids.  They have a father who doesn’t like to interact with them.  Granted, his dad was the same way.  He’d stay out until after the kids went to bed, so he could come home and eat dinner in peace.  Why bother having children?  They are normal kids, they don’t listen, they don’t want to help out.  But they’re smart, funny and once you get them going, they will do what you ask.  They need to push to see if you’ll give up.  All kids do it.  But its personal with him.

I don’t get it.  He’s obsessed with work.  The only interaction he has with his children most days is yelling at them to do something.  I just tried to help him figure out some other way of dealing with this.  His answer was to yell at me and ask me if I wanted an argument.  Dude, you’re a lost cause.

Honestly, had I know this is the way things would be, I would not have married this man.  How sad is that to admit?  He’s not the person I married 15 years ago.  He barely resembles that person.  I know I’ve changed, I’ve become more patient, I’ve let loose and act silly with the kids.  He went the other direction.  I know you can’t help a person who doesn’t want to help himself, and I guess that is where I am now.  Its obvious he does not want to change his ways.  If he only knew how much his children despise him already, at their young ages.  I had to admit to my eldest. who is 11,  her dad is chronically depressed and attempt to explain his behavior and moods.  Oh the moods.  When he disappears for hours at a time, alone.  No explanation, no reasons, no information at all.  Who does that to their spouse and children?  I’d call it selfish. 

But of course, the problem lies with me.  I’m actually the root of most of his issues, did you know that?  I’m totally impressed with myself being so effective in making someone’s life hell.  And I did it without actually trying, which is the sad part. 

I don’t know what to do at this point.  Do I stay and tolerate this shit?  Do I leave and be on my own with 3 children, a chronic illness and a work history with an 11 year old gap?   I’ve heard women have mood swings, but in this case, its him.  He can go from pleasant to raging lunatic in the drop of a hat over nothing.  I wish I could have a video camera running 24/7 so he can see what he’s doing.   I did ask him why we had kids.  He answered he didn’t know.  I know why I had them, but why did I choose him to help me bring these children into this world?  What the hell is wrong with me that I made this choice for a partner?  This was not what I had planned.

Denial.

Why does a project always take 5x as long as estimated?  I’m redoing Lily’s room, since she’s going into middle school.  I told her I would when she started asking in 3rd grade.  It seemed so far away.  Its 2 weeks away now.  I’m nearly finished.  I forgot to do the closet.  Which is the least of my worries.  After scraping the disgusting popcorn off her ceiling, painting the walls, woodwork, redoing the woodwork after helpers made a mess, painting the closet doors, the door to her room, then doing all the clean up, I don’t ever want to do this again.

I’d ask Lily for some help, and you’d think I was asking her to cut off her arm.  I don’t know where I went wrong with my kids when they think they’re “owed” these things.  Guess I have some more work to do in the child raising department.

I volunteer at my daughters’ elementary school. I’ve done so since Lily was in kindergarten.  She’s now a 5th grader.   The 5th grade at school always has a special day before they leave the school to move onto middle school.  This particular group of parents has always worked well together.  I’ve been very lucky.  But no one wanted to tackle and head up the 5th grade Celebration committee.   After several weeks of being asked by various people, I relented, as long as I had someone to chair it with me.  Another mom, thankfully, stepped up and we’ve been working on this since August.

I sent out an email, with a poorly worded ending.  What I meant was I didn’t want to see the same names on the set up, tear down and chaparone lists, and I was pessimistic as parents weren’t knocking down our doors to help out.  This sent one husband and wife into a tizzy over me criticizing working parents.  Say what?  Where did you read that?!  I received an email from the wife first, telling me about them working, etc.  I can see this, but we all work.  I’ve also NEVER heard a word from you in response to an email or note sent home about this project or even the baby pictures for the year book. 

After she and I work this out, her husband decides to pounce on me again, 2 days later.  But this time, he sends it to the entire group, which is about 40 people.   He was rude, disrespectful and just plain mean. 

Coming back to this draft several months later, this whole thing still bugs me.  This rude gentleman never did  apologize, nor did he say anything to the parents who organized a whole day for the kids, including his twin boys. 

I will never understand people who behave this way, and I’m probably not supposed to either.  Karma will get him.

This gentleman’s name had been suggested by several fellow sugar enhanced women, and he’s awesome.  Hopefully this one will work out.  He’s respectful, understands I know what I’m doing with my chronic condition, realizes I don’t need lecture but help, suggestions and encouragement.  His nurses are fantastic.

Summer is allegedly a time to relax and kick back.  Unless you’re a stay at home mom.  I’m not sure if I should book a padded cell for myself, or be fitted for a custom straight jacket.  I’m leaning towards both, just in case one fails.  No one wants to do what I suggest, so what happens?  We end up doing nothing.  Every school year I swear I’m going to plan summer better, have things scheduled and know what we’re doing.  Every year the end of school sneaks up on me and bites me in the bum, and I’m regretting my lack of organization.  I used to be organized, as people with whom I once worked.  I had a functioning brain!  Now, I’m pretty sure its rotting and liquifying and running down the inside of my neck.  Could explain so many things…….

I love my children, don’t get me wrong.  When I was a child, my brothers and I were outside playing and Mom had to drag us inside to eat.  My kids.  I have to threaten them to go outside.  What is wrong with them? 

Argue and debate? My kids will excell.  Contradictory, always.  Infuriating?  Oh yes.  I don’t quite remember being so ignorant and physical with my brothers when I was younger.  My children think its a sport.  We have something called “Thunderdome” in the back yard.  2 go in, 1 comes out.  It doesn’t actually work this way, and I tend to tell the youngest to grab the chains.  They never want to fight when I suggest it.  But telling them to stop doesn’t work either.  I need to figure out a more effective way of relating to my children.  Maybe they should share some jobs together and learn how to cooperate.  Who am I fooling!?

My 4 year old son Sam thinks its very funny to wander away from me in a store.  He finds it amusing to not answer my terrified pleas.  He laughs when I scold him for doing this.  So he did it 3 times today.  Once at Target while I was checking out.  He was standing right next to me, I started to pay the cashier, looked down and he was gone.  I tried not to panic, calling his name, but I received no answer.  After about 90 agonizing seconds, someone pointed him out to me.  He ran over to me smiling and asked “What Mom?”  I just grabbed his coat and got in his face.  I’m sure everyone was looking at me wondering if I was going to beat his butt.  I’m not a violent person, so he’s lucky. 

We had a short discussion in the car, which isn’t easy as he sees the back of my head and I’m attempting to be a safe driver.  I had a doctor’s appointment, which went well.  Then we headed off to Kohl’s to get a new coat for him, as Sam’s coat is falling apart.  He did it again to me, this time going to Customer Service for a drink  An employee heard me calling for him, and set off a “Code Yellow”, closing the front doors and mobilizing the employees to look for him.   After about 3 minutes, I hear someone from Customer Service yell they have him.  I was relieved but even more angry he did this to me twice in less than 2 hours.  The store manager even had a little word with him, firm yet kind.  I think he was a bit embarassed, but still wasn’t getting it. We had a very long talk in the car while heading to the girls’ school.  I wanted him to understand what he was doing was wrong, how I felt about him missing and I wondered if he got it.  He doesn’t. 

He did it one more time at school.  I was in the gym and it was near dismissal, so I told him I had to have his sisters meet us in the gym and not take the bus home.  Do you want to go with me?  No, he said, he was going to stay there with 2 other moms.  Alright.  I go back, he’s gone.  I’m fortunate the staff knows him, so I had several people helping me.  He was outside on the playground in 7 inches of snow.  He told me he was looking for me out there.  Did you not remember what I told you in the gym?  Nope. 

I’m still angry with him after all these hours.  The stress I had today with him being missing is more than I could handle.  What I wanted to do was hurt him.  I wanted him to feel what I was feeling.  But what good would this do for the situation?   It would be counter productive.  I know children don’t get how wandering off stops a parent’s heart, makes them panic, makes them wonder what is going on, is my child safe, who took them, where are they?  I was so relieved when I found him.  But so angry at him for doing this to me.  And doing it 3 times in one day, in less than 4 hours.  I asked if he heard me calling for him.  He did.  Then why didn’t you answer me? “I don’t know.”  His favorite answer for everything.  Its infuriating.

So Sam will now be wearing the equivalent of shackles when we go out in public.  I don’t care what people think or say, I refuse to subject myself to the stress of having him missing again, even though he was safe today, what about next time?   I’ll put it around his waist, hook him to me and off we go.  Maybe he’ll get it.  Maybe he’ll understand when I tell him to stand here, I mean stand here.  Don’t move.  Stay with me.   I’ll see how it goes, but he will not be allowed out in public without it.  Humiliating? Maybe.  Necessary?  Oh yes.   This is why he’s not going to kindergarten this fall even though he is old enough.  He’s so utterly immature and I don’t know how to get this through his skull to give him the proper amount of fear without making him a basket case.  He’s fearless, which is the problem.

I’m glad he’s safe.

Sam and I went to the mall this morning to try to find ski pants for me, so I could play outside in the snow without getting all wet and cold.  It was a fruitless search.

We stopped for lunch at Chick Fil A and had some tasty chicken.  He saw a balloon and asked for one.  We weren’t even out of the parking lot when he let all the helium out of it.  Silly kid.  Did this stop him? Of course not!  He’s had more fun blowing up the balloon here at home and letting it go sailing around the room.  The sight of this blue balloon streaking through the air brought shrieks of laughter from him.  Then its my turn.  I’m fortunate the balloon didn’t pop in my face I blew it up rather large.  It flew into the next room and I thought Sam would double over in laughter.   “Isn’t that funny, Mom?!”  He had the best time sticking the balloon in his shirt, or mine, and blowing it up, then letting the air go.  I can’t even begin to say how much I love hearing this child laugh.  He has the funniest laugh and that smile, that smile makes me forget for a moment how mischievous he can be.

Who would have thought a free balloon from a fast food restaurant would bring such joy and laughter to a 4 year old ?  Its the simple things in life which make this boy happy. 

Then he told me he’s good at blowing up things.  Dude, if you had any idea…………

I remember when I was a kid, as soon as it started snowing, my brothers and I would start getting ready to go outside.  We’d nearly be bundled up like Randy from A Christmas Story.  We’d sled, build forts, play Battlestar Galactica and Star Wars, pelt each other with snow balls then come inside, freezing cold, cheeks looking like we put on Granny’s rouge.  Mom would have some hot chocolate for us.  If we were lucky enough, Dad was working from home and had a fire roaring in the fireplace.  We’d warm up, hang out for a bit, then do it all over again.  It was great fun, we quickly learned the pecking order in the family, as if there was any doubt about who would be called Boss. 

My kids?  They stayed in side all day today.  I kept asking, do you want to go out and sled?  Nope. They’re content playing video games.  I realize this is partially my fault.  I should have insisted they go outside.  Granted, it was sleeting for a while.  Who wants to play in sleet?  Only the dog, who would come in and look like she had a horrid case of dandruff. 

The snow is coming down quick and heavy as I type this.  Our first big snow of the season actually.  Its been so cold this winter, but we’ve had barely a dusting of snow.  I thought my kids would be thrilled to their toes to have a good snow to go sledding.  With the small amount we had on Monday, Sam was making snow angels in the driveway.  But the girls didn’t care. He did sled a few times, and come to think of it, I believe the sled is now buried under some snow.  I’ve got old plastic containers they can use to make snow bricks.  I believe I have the kids’ agenda ready for tomorrow, IF there is no school.  The way it looks now, I think they’ll be home yet again.  I did have an entire day planned tomorrow, including a doctor’s visit I had to reschedule from last week when Caroline was home.   Its a good thing I don’t have an outside paying job.  I’d never be there.

At least today wasn’t as horrible as it could have been with all 3 home.  They fought for a bit early in the morning, and I was apprehensive about how the day would go if they were already at each other’s throats at 8:15 a.m.  Lucky for me, it stopped pretty quickly and the day went without too much gnashing of teeth.  I’m keeping my eyes crossed for a repeat tomorrow. 

Tomorrow’s another day Scarlett.  I’ll pull a rabbit out of my hat and see where that gets me.